Why oh why am I so obsessed with my weight? This is an interesting question that I struggle with every single day. Maybe I have too much time on my hands or maybe I am letting my hormones get the best of me. Either way, I am obsessed. I am obsessed about what I eat, and when to eat and what I am going to do for my work out, etc, etc, etc. I know that I should not be obsessed. My logical brain tells me that I am healthy, I look pretty good, my husband loves me and doesn’t want me to change a thing, but still, I am way too concerned about how I look, the way my butt looks in my pants and why I can’t make my thighs smaller. I have been trying to be good for a long time now (really for as long as I can remember), I use online trackers, I have talked to nutritionists, tracking my eating in a book, didn’t weigh myself for A WHOLE month (per the nutritionist’s recommendation) and yet the number on the scale did not change. Seriously. I really thought I was doing good, I really thought I was making progress. But yet, no progress, no change. I know I probably am not as good as I could be, really my problem is self control. I know what I should and should not eat, yet I still eat chips when we are skiing, I drink alcohol when I go out for a night, eat out way more than I should, and so on, it is an endless cycle. And really all I want is to feel good, happy and healthy in my own skin. I really just want to love my body and all my curves. Really what I want most in the world is for my two daughters NEVER to feel bad about their bodies, better yet, ALWAYS feel good about themselves! I also know that I need to model that behavior for them to learn it.
I have been reading a lot of articles this week, today I read this article and part of me thinks, wow what strength this lady has, first for not eating any food all day and then second for writing the article. I also enjoyed this video from the Today Show talking about how to Love your Selfie! It is so true. Why can’t we just come to terms and love the self we are in? Why is it so difficult? Maybe it comes from years and years of trying to be the best or achieve what someone else has. There are so many outside influences telling us what we should look like, how to lose weight fast, how to look like this girl and so on. As this is National Eating Disorder Week I decided I would just put this out there. I don’t have an eating disorder, my issue is really a self-image disorder. I love food too much not to eat it, I just need to figure out what the healthy balance for myself is and to come to terms with the body I have. I may never lose those extra 10-15 pounds, they may just be here with me and what I really need to do is remember some powerful lessons and words I have learned in my yoga classes: the first is Maitri (or Metta) which means Loving Kindness. Something that I strive to have for others and need to learn to have for myself. The second is Santosha which means Contentment or Satisfaction with what you have. Two very big lessons that will possibly take a lifetime to learn and make a daily habit. But as I write this (and post it) I am making the commitment to try and keep THESE lessons at the top of my head, instead of the number on the scale or how my butt looks.